sleep depraved again. i'm just very tired from all of these. the uncertainty of things. i should have not ignored the writings on the wall. i guess, i thought that everything's a-ok. but it's not. i kept thinking of instances that was never there. just made up things. so tired. have to face reality, it was never meant to be. never was, never will be. everything change. before, if i send a message she would somehow find a way to text back. but now, it doesn't matter. she's free, she isn't bound to me. i'm just the other guy, the rebound guy. my feelings doesn't matter anymore, nothing is. i give up, i surrender. i can't do this anymore. she is happy with him. no matter how they deny it, it's there, it's clear from my perspective. i'm just the stumbling block to their path of happiness. sounding very bitter here. but i can't stop, need to air this out or i'd go crazy. i'm on the verge of going over, like nothing else matter. just the pain. i wish they would carve it out in one tearing swoop not like this torturous slow act. they will have the time to bond again, i'm going back to the province tomorrow, i won't bother them with text messages or whatever. i would make myself scarce, have to protect my heart. i was the second choice, the back up plan. whenever she's with him, she would forget everything. that should have been one hell of a warning but even it was smash to my face i couldn't even see it coming. but things are getting clearer, everything is coming to focus. i would try not to let them hurt me some more. here's a note from her, i know i am the intended receiver...
"dreaming of you"
i haven't seen you for months and it is like forever
i was wondering if you're missing me or have you been thinking of me too
my days have been great, i was able to enjoy life without you but i still feel empty inside out
i guess i needed to know if you're ok and if you're doing fine because even if i am better
i can't stop worrying about you
i want you to be happy like me
just to let you know, you will always have a special part in my life
i am where i am because of you
please be happy for me, will yah?
i guess she would never realize why i did what i did. betrayed, distrust, schemes and the last to know. these negative feelings building inside, trying to burst out like water released from a dam. fearsome, wild and elemental. i just have to keep on thinking that she never did loved me, that it was all out of necessity. i hope that thinking would lessen the pain. how i wish she never met me, she would have been happy by now. i wasted a large portion of her life by being with me. but now, i guess they are together again. which is good because they are good together. they mesh, their families mesh. it's about time i took myself out of the picture, to save whatever is left. i'll be taking my memories with me, have to let go. she needs this, this stability in life. i should be happy for her, she is well taken care of by him. she loves him so much. wish you happiness, a family and a bright future. goodbye cara... i love you...
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