goodbye chuck...

adios chuck. sayonara chuck. paalam chuck. aloha chuck. au revoir chuck. vaya con dios chuck. many around the world would be saying that to chuck. one of my favorite tv shows just had there final season ended last month, i think. i'm not being anal about it but when i watch a tv series, i just enjoy the show even if the script writing level is a bit down from its usual perch. i will miss chuck, sarah, morgan, casey, awesome, ellie, etc. for my viewing pleasures. its just the geek in me that i tend to relate to the show, and the escapist in me into thinking that the nerd gets the girl, a gorgeous one at that. sarah walker played by yvonne strahovski is one of the most beautiful faces that graces television today. easily on the top five, nay number one (my list, my rules. teehee). that smile, that body, that catsuit (what's not to like?). and she does few of the stunts and when she moves its electrifying. i know a few women who does their own stunts like jennifer garner in alias and maggie q. in nikita. in my expert opinion (remember, my blog, my rules. teehee), she's up there with the best of them. chuck bartowski played by zachary levi gives the show human emotion and depth, with or without the intersect. morgan grimes played by joshua gomez, the loyal friend, through thick and thin, under utilize but making the most out of it. john casey played by adam baldwin, grunting casey. stoic, a rock. nuff said. devon "captain awesome" woodcomb played by ryan mcpartlin is, well, simply awesome. should be made into a statue by michelangelo. ellie, beautiful ellie. brilliant ellie. the sister you want to have by your side. always. and the rest of the crew, the nerd herd, the buy more crew. ah, so much to be said and written of the other characters. just one last piece, the set itself. a nerd's paradise. the posters, the action figures, etc. i think all a collectors item. even the de lorean made a cameo. he he. gonna really miss this show. gone to soon. oh well, i wish somebody would send a box gift of the whole five season of chuck. here's hoping...

not for the lonely...

its been awhile since i have posted from my last blog. the blogging muse hasn't been visiting me lately. oh well, we just have to power through shall we. its valentines day again 2012 and last year i was with someone close, very close. we gone through a rough patch last year, the wound is still there and i'm the one recalling the details of what happened. there are still questions left hanging. i'm still not myself, i'm still not me. i'm doing this rough draft of this blog at the construction site, listening to the radio. love songs are blaring in the air. i caught a few lines of a song "sometimes lovers hide under cover" and "a penny for your thought, a nickel for your kiss, a dime if you tell me that you love me". i don't know the title of song nor the singers themselves but you get the idea that they are much invested into this valentines day as most of the people celebrating it. if you stop to think about it, its scary to be alone. even if you're a loner by nature, you still have to interact with others. you cant go through life not knowing anyone or touching other peoples lives, however small. i know, without a doubt, that our final moments here on this plane of existence, we individually are going to take that journey alone. but it might be reassuring if there is someone who will hold our hand when that moment comes. when we step into the unknown knowing someone so dear is sending all their love, a gift, a sendoff to the next life. but back to the hearts day, i'm not really sold into celebrating it, its just me (i guess it might be because i'm broke). i respect people's need to celebrate it. i'm one of those who if you love someone, you should show it everyday by your actions or deeds. not once a year but 365 days 24/7. again, its just me...

still not thinking straight...

my insecurities is still here, my mind still isn't in the right place. i haven't thought of what to write in my blog for a few days there so what i'm doing now is winging it. oh heck, i did thought about a few things but its still stewing in the back burner for now. my mind hasn't coalescence into a single entity, my being is pulled in different directions and somehow i fell in the same hole i was in before. i'm in limbo. i'm not myself. if i'm not making any sense, i apologize for that. i don't know where she is or if she's telling the truth. i still have my doubts. i can forgive but it's not easy to forget, to let go of things past. i guess it's a leap of faith, you just have to step on the edge and jump. to jump feet first into your fears, your doubts, your regrets and hope at the bottom you'll find what you been looking and longing for, that you will find your heart. that you will find your love. i don't know about the future or what it holds. i cannot predict what the outcome will be. what i do know is that i'll never be the same without her. there, i said it. i try to ignore it but it never goes away. not easily nor quietly, it still pains me to see her, to know that she's been with another man. that she was happy with him, that it was almost perfect. the only thing pulling her down was... me. surprise. surprise. i didn't realize it before it was too late. too late to retreat. i rob her of the one chance she had to true happiness. and for that, i'm gonna pay. again. and again. till there'll be nothing left...

sunday...sunday...

i know i should be attending my weekend schooling but i can do the activities online so i'm here in front of my laptop doing just that. i went to church awhile ago and met up a very cute and sexy girl. teehee...you know who you are, the one who's reading my blogs till now. while typing this, i'm listening to one of my favorite singer of all time on the ipod mini of my sister. the king of rock and roll. yes it's ELVIS!!! the old school kind of elvis, not the later years elvis. he is singing love songs, gospel music, mellow rock. ah, so appropriate for a lazy sunday morning. i just want to dance but i've two left feet. i'll just be going round and round doing the shuffle or the dougie. one of my frustrations other than being a singer. haha. anyway, i should be writing for my blog. i am thinking of adding photos here since it's one of my hobby and i want to show the progress i have made. i'm still finding my way around photography. i want to find my own style and as much as possible, do less editing and post processing. when i take a photo, i would want it to be almost perfect, the exposure, shutter speed, etc. its great that my brain would relax from the seriousness of reality, of life. being creative in photography really involves a different kind of energy, a positive ki or chakra if you are into naruto. have you ever look through a viewfinder doing a macro shot and seen the finer details of a flower or an insect? or taking photos of the sky during sunset and dusk? if so, you know what i'm talking about. if not, get yourself a camera, any camera and go on taking pictures. then you will know to appreciate the passing of time just by looking at a photo. to freeze frame that one moment, that one single incident and the feelings you had at that moment. go crazy, go creative taking pictures. just go...

a beer on one hand and a chippy on the other...

been acquiring this bad habit of drinking liquor these past few weeks. or is it months? a side effect of losing the girl. i realized it too late. her heart will never be mine. and that's why it came to this. i'm drowning my pain in alcohol. maybe due to its antiseptic content my heart would be cleanse from the pain and the hurt. sorry baby, i just cant stop. sorry i'm still wallowing in my sorrow. i'm still insecure of my feelings. i know i'm at fault that's why it came to this. i hope you will forgive me...eventually. even it takes years or a lifetime. i'm sorry... its just that alcohol loosen's you a bit, your guard is down, no inhibitions whatsoever. you let loose, you pour out your heart for the world to see. until nothing is left... each one of us has an emotional baggage we kept on lugging throughout our lifetime. we have our own secrets that we refuse to share, we always kept it close to our hearts. until such time when our secrets endangers the one's we love. i've always thought that everything's happens for a reason. no matter what, fate intervenes. i've have resigned to the fact that no matter how i struggle, this was its meant to be. sorry if by drinking that i'm able to articulate my feelings, then so be it. i hope you will be able to understand me... i hope you will still be able to love me even a bit, to know what i've been going through...

what if...

i have been thinking of a story, i got the idea from a tv series. i know it's not an original idea, just an offshoot story from the series. the premise of the story is boy meets girl (most of the plot nowadays is about a boy and a girl...teehee). they fall in love, they fall out of love, they got back again. years pass, they have a bond now.an unbreakable bond. then something happened. girl meets another boy. she said yes to him thinking the first boy never really cared for her. they went out for many months then the first boy returned. the world turned upside down for the three of them. throughout the ordeal, the first boy and girl somehow got back together although it still an unstable relationship. and then the unthinkable happened when you thought the story was somehow over. the boy got sick, an incurable disease. the only thing that will cure him was a new procedure or medicine but it had a side effect. the doctor said "we can cure you but you will forget a few things in your life, a loss of memory. the greater the feelings you have for someone or something, the greater the possibility of you losing your memory of them." the boy was devastated for he had only one strong feeling in his life, the love for the girl. losing that is like losings one's life. the girl insisted on him going through with the cure even though it would mean the end for them. somehow the girl would do everything to get that feeling back again from the boy. maybe. maybe the mind might forget but the heart never does. maybe. what would you do? "a life for a memory" is my working title. i know. it's cheesy. its corny. the story has been overworked so many times over. i like sappy stories but would deny it vehemently in your face. teehee...

big bang...

they say the world is coming to an end. mine ended July 31, 2011. It didn't go with a bang nor a whimper but you can distinctly hear a heart tear in half and then falling, shattering to million pieces for love was the only thing holding it up. i didn't know it then but on an emotional level, maybe i felt it. i just didn't want to face it, i turn a blind eye. ignorance is bliss. a love gone awry, a love betrayed. she was the one constant in my life, i thought she will always...always be there for me. i thought wrong. nothing will ever be the same again. a life of what if's...