can't sleep

goodbye chuck...

2012-02-15T07:35:00.000-08:00

adios chuck. sayonara chuck. paalam chuck. aloha chuck. au revoir chuck. vaya con dios chuck. many around the world would be saying that to chuck. one of my favorite tv shows just had there final season ended last month, i think. i'm not being anal about it but when i watch a tv series, i just enjoy the show even if the script writing level is a bit down from its usual perch. i will miss chuck, sarah, morgan, casey, awesome, ellie, etc. for my viewing pleasures. its just the geek in me that i tend to relate to the show, and the escapist in me into thinking that the nerd gets the girl, a gorgeous one at that. sarah walker played by yvonne strahovski is one of the most beautiful faces that graces television today. easily on the top five, nay number one (my list, my rules. teehee). that smile, that body, that catsuit (what's not to like?). and she does few of the stunts and when she moves its electrifying. i know a few women who does their own stunts like jennifer garner in alias and maggie q. in nikita. in my expert opinion (remember, my blog, my rules. teehee), she's up there with the best of them. chuck bartowski played by zachary levi gives the show human emotion and depth, with or without the intersect. morgan grimes played by joshua gomez, the loyal friend, through thick and thin, under utilize but making the most out of it. john casey played by adam baldwin, grunting casey. stoic, a rock. nuff said. devon "captain awesome" woodcomb played by ryan mcpartlin is, well, simply awesome. should be made into a statue by michelangelo. ellie, beautiful ellie. brilliant ellie. the sister you want to have by your side. always. and the rest of the crew, the nerd herd, the buy more crew. ah, so much to be said and written of the other characters. just one last piece, the set itself. a nerd's paradise. the posters, the action figures, etc. i think all a collectors item. even the de lorean made a cameo. he he. gonna really miss this show. gone to soon. oh well, i wish somebody would send a box gift of the whole five season of chuck. here's hoping...

not for the lonely...

2012-02-15T05:21:00.000-08:00

its been awhile since i have posted from my last blog. the blogging muse hasn't been visiting me lately. oh well, we just have to power through shall we. its valentines day again 2012 and last year i was with someone close, very close. we gone through a rough patch last year, the wound is still there and i'm the one recalling the details of what happened. there are still questions left hanging. i'm still not myself, i'm still not me. i'm doing this rough draft of this blog at the construction site, listening to the radio. love songs are blaring in the air. i caught a few lines of a song "sometimes lovers hide under cover" and "a penny for your thought, a nickel for your kiss, a dime if you tell me that you love me". i don't know the title of song nor the singers themselves but you get the idea that they are much invested into this valentines day as most of the people celebrating it. if you stop to think about it, its scary to be alone. even if you're a loner by nature, you still have to interact with others. you cant go through life not knowing anyone or touching other peoples lives, however small. i know, without a doubt, that our final moments here on this plane of existence, we individually are going to take that journey alone. but it might be reassuring if there is someone who will hold our hand when that moment comes. when we step into the unknown knowing someone so dear is sending all their love, a gift, a sendoff to the next life. but back to the hearts day, i'm not really sold into celebrating it, its just me (i guess it might be because i'm broke). i respect people's need to celebrate it. i'm one of those who if you love someone, you should show it everyday by your actions or deeds. not once a year but 365 days 24/7. again, its just me...

still not thinking straight...

2012-01-20T02:07:00.000-08:00

my insecurities is still here, my mind still isn't in the right place. i haven't thought of what to write in my blog for a few days there so what i'm doing now is winging it. oh heck, i did thought about a few things but its still stewing in the back burner for now. my mind hasn't coalescence into a single entity, my being is pulled in different directions and somehow i fell in the same hole i was in before. i'm in limbo. i'm not myself. if i'm not making any sense, i apologize for that. i don't know where she is or if she's telling the truth. i still have my doubts. i can forgive but it's not easy to forget, to let go of things past. i guess it's a leap of faith, you just have to step on the edge and jump. to jump feet first into your fears, your doubts, your regrets and hope at the bottom you'll find what you been looking and longing for, that you will find your heart. that you will find your love. i don't know about the future or what it holds. i cannot predict what the outcome will be. what i do know is that i'll never be the same without her. there, i said it. i try to ignore it but it never goes away. not easily nor quietly, it still pains me to see her, to know that she's been with another man. that she was happy with him, that it was almost perfect. the only thing pulling her down was... me. surprise. surprise. i didn't realize it before it was too late. too late to retreat. i rob her of the one chance she had to true happiness. and for that, i'm gonna pay. again. and again. till there'll be nothing left...

sunday...sunday...

2012-01-14T19:40:00.000-08:00

i know i should be attending my weekend schooling but i can do the activities online so i'm here in front of my laptop doing just that. i went to church awhile ago and met up a very cute and sexy girl. teehee...you know who you are, the one who's reading my blogs till now. while typing this, i'm listening to one of my favorite singer of all time on the ipod mini of my sister. the king of rock and roll. yes it's ELVIS!!! the old school kind of elvis, not the later years elvis. he is singing love songs, gospel music, mellow rock. ah, so appropriate for a lazy sunday morning. i just want to dance but i've two left feet. i'll just be going round and round doing the shuffle or the dougie. one of my frustrations other than being a singer. haha. anyway, i should be writing for my blog. i am thinking of adding photos here since it's one of my hobby and i want to show the progress i have made. i'm still finding my way around photography. i want to find my own style and as much as possible, do less editing and post processing. when i take a photo, i would want it to be almost perfect, the exposure, shutter speed, etc. its great that my brain would relax from the seriousness of reality, of life. being creative in photography really involves a different kind of energy, a positive ki or chakra if you are into naruto. have you ever look through a viewfinder doing a macro shot and seen the finer details of a flower or an insect? or taking photos of the sky during sunset and dusk? if so, you know what i'm talking about. if not, get yourself a camera, any camera and go on taking pictures. then you will know to appreciate the passing of time just by looking at a photo. to freeze frame that one moment, that one single incident and the feelings you had at that moment. go crazy, go creative taking pictures. just go...

a beer on one hand and a chippy on the other...

2012-01-11T05:31:00.000-08:00

been acquiring this bad habit of drinking liquor these past few weeks. or is it months? a side effect of losing the girl. i realized it too late. her heart will never be mine. and that's why it came to this. i'm drowning my pain in alcohol. maybe due to its antiseptic content my heart would be cleanse from the pain and the hurt. sorry baby, i just cant stop. sorry i'm still wallowing in my sorrow. i'm still insecure of my feelings. i know i'm at fault that's why it came to this. i hope you will forgive me...eventually. even it takes years or a lifetime. i'm sorry... its just that alcohol loosen's you a bit, your guard is down, no inhibitions whatsoever. you let loose, you pour out your heart for the world to see. until nothing is left... each one of us has an emotional baggage we kept on lugging throughout our lifetime. we have our own secrets that we refuse to share, we always kept it close to our hearts. until such time when our secrets endangers the one's we love. i've always thought that everything's happens for a reason. no matter what, fate intervenes. i've have resigned to the fact that no matter how i struggle, this was its meant to be. sorry if by drinking that i'm able to articulate my feelings, then so be it. i hope you will be able to understand me... i hope you will still be able to love me even a bit, to know what i've been going through...

what if...

2012-01-10T05:31:00.000-08:00

i have been thinking of a story, i got the idea from a tv series. i know it's not an original idea, just an offshoot story from the series. the premise of the story is boy meets girl (most of the plot nowadays is about a boy and a girl...teehee). they fall in love, they fall out of love, they got back again. years pass, they have a bond now.an unbreakable bond. then something happened. girl meets another boy. she said yes to him thinking the first boy never really cared for her. they went out for many months then the first boy returned. the world turned upside down for the three of them. throughout the ordeal, the first boy and girl somehow got back together although it still an unstable relationship. and then the unthinkable happened when you thought the story was somehow over. the boy got sick, an incurable disease. the only thing that will cure him was a new procedure or medicine but it had a side effect. the doctor said "we can cure you but you will forget a few things in your life, a loss of memory. the greater the feelings you have for someone or something, the greater the possibility of you losing your memory of them." the boy was devastated for he had only one strong feeling in his life, the love for the girl. losing that is like losings one's life. the girl insisted on him going through with the cure even though it would mean the end for them. somehow the girl would do everything to get that feeling back again from the boy. maybe. maybe the mind might forget but the heart never does. maybe. what would you do? "a life for a memory" is my working title. i know. it's cheesy. its corny. the story has been overworked so many times over. i like sappy stories but would deny it vehemently in your face. teehee...

big bang...

2012-01-09T20:38:00.000-08:00

they say the world is coming to an end. mine ended July 31, 2011. It didn't go with a bang nor a whimper but you can distinctly hear a heart tear in half and then falling, shattering to million pieces for love was the only thing holding it up. i didn't know it then but on an emotional level, maybe i felt it. i just didn't want to face it, i turn a blind eye. ignorance is bliss. a love gone awry, a love betrayed. she was the one constant in my life, i thought she will always...always be there for me. i thought wrong. nothing will ever be the same again. a life of what if's...

in between...

2012-01-08T04:39:00.000-08:00

something's off. she's different. there's a part of her thats out of reach, guarded. the part that she gave away, she's protecting it holding it close to her heart. for what? to never feel pain, to never get hurt again? or protecting it to cherish, to hold on, to hope? she never tell nor admit it. she still keeps on seeing him, she can't let go. i wish they would put their act together so there won't be any confusion occurring. whenever she disappears, i would think she is with him. i hope she would be forthcoming of her feelings and admit it to me. it's like being in limbo. left hanging in the air. why won't you just tell...please tell me... i won't hold it against you. why would i kept on insisting these observations? because deep down, and i would never care to admit it myself, she still loves him very, very much...

this vicious cycle...

2012-01-07T20:39:00.000-08:00

still at it. she forget about everything else whenever she is with him, that's how strong her attachment to him. not even a single message. argh. i'm setting up myself for failure big-time. i'm such a patsy. i hate this, i kept on hoping and then repeating my mistakes. it's like WTF... hey, wake up man, if your still a man. damnit, where is a superhero when you needed one...i need saving here!!! there goes my mind, reality shatters and the dregs of an insane asylum is dancing on my head...

January 8, 2012 time 2:00a.m.

2012-01-07T12:51:00.000-08:00

sleep depraved again. i'm just very tired from all of these. the uncertainty of things. i should have not ignored the writings on the wall. i guess, i thought that everything's a-ok. but it's not. i kept thinking of instances that was never there. just made up things. so tired. have to face reality, it was never meant to be. never was, never will be. everything change. before, if i send a message she would somehow find a way to text back. but now, it doesn't matter. she's free, she isn't bound to me. i'm just the other guy, the rebound guy. my feelings doesn't matter anymore, nothing is. i give up, i surrender. i can't do this anymore. she is happy with him. no matter how they deny it, it's there, it's clear from my perspective. i'm just the stumbling block to their path of happiness. sounding very bitter here. but i can't stop, need to air this out or i'd go crazy. i'm on the verge of going over, like nothing else matter. just the pain. i wish they would carve it out in one tearing swoop not like this torturous slow act. they will have the time to bond again, i'm going back to the province tomorrow, i won't bother them with text messages or whatever. i would make myself scarce, have to protect my heart. i was the second choice, the back up plan. whenever she's with him, she would forget everything. that should have been one hell of a warning but even it was smash to my face i couldn't even see it coming. but things are getting clearer, everything is coming to focus. i would try not to let them hurt me some more. here's a note from her, i know i am the intended receiver...

"dreaming of you"
i haven't seen you for months and it is like forever
i was wondering if you're missing me or have you been thinking of me too
my days have been great, i was able to enjoy life without you but i still feel empty inside out
i guess i needed to know if you're ok and if you're doing fine because even if i am better
i can't stop worrying about you
i want you to be happy like me
just to let you know, you will always have a special part in my life
i am where i am because of you
please be happy for me, will yah?

i guess she would never realize why i did what i did. betrayed, distrust, schemes and the last to know. these negative feelings building inside, trying to burst out like water released from a dam. fearsome, wild and elemental. i just have to keep on thinking that she never did loved me, that it was all out of necessity. i hope that thinking would lessen the pain. how i wish she never met me, she would have been happy by now. i wasted a large portion of her life by being with me. but now, i guess they are together again. which is good because they are good together. they mesh, their families mesh. it's about time i took myself out of the picture, to save whatever is left. i'll be taking my memories with me, have to let go. she needs this, this stability in life. i should be happy for her, she is well taken care of by him. she loves him so much. wish you happiness, a family and a bright future. goodbye cara... i love you...

another day...

2011-11-25T02:56:00.000-08:00

i had a peaceful sleep and woke up refreshed. just watching youtube on how to get six pack abs fast and a little manga reading on the side. have to take a bath later, i'm going out to the mall. scratch that, i think it's not gonna happen. i'll just be here working on my school assignments if i don't get lazy. i really have a chronic procrastinating attitude when it comes to paperworks. i hate doing paperworks, it's boring there is no creative process in it's activity. now i'm watching house, damn the paperworks. i love watching house, not only for it's medical drama, the diagnosis and the cure but of the character itself. he's a prick to the core but he has an endearing quality. you cannot stay mad at him for so long, he's brilliant and brutally frank. and also the tv series bones, love that show. david boreanaz and emily deschanel, what's not to like. argh....see it's already 7pm, just wasted my whole day. ah, what to do. at least my mind wasn't dwelling on my problem. mmm, i think i have to start doing paperworks. see yah...

typing while eating durian candy...

2011-11-24T05:48:00.000-08:00

my sister in law gave us durian candy from her trip. that big, soft and chewy ones. mmm...here's a continuation of my list of songs about relationship going south...

broken vow
every time you go away
now that your gone
everybody hurts
wasted
starts with goodbye
i just can't live a lie
whenever you remember

i'm getting sleepy. my bed is really one of a kind, it induces sleep. maybe it's because of the familiar surroundings, or the smell of my pillows...full of drool... he he...wait, everybody hurts seems to be about just hurting...

just arrived...

2011-11-24T03:35:00.000-08:00

had an uneventful trip on the bus. i did catch a few winks which energize me a little. still road repairs are going on along the main highway. it has been raining half of the trip and more so along the destination. it was getting colder in the bus so i had to use my jacket with hoody. somehow, i'm coping and the ache is lessening a bit. it's dark when i got home with a slight drizzle. had to clean my room a little, it was dusty. my bed is beckoning. i think i'm going to sleep without any problems tonight. the world is at peace in my tiny room. it's a safe refuge, my sanctum sanctorium, my fortress of solitude and bat cave all rolled into one. it smelled of me which is quite calming, my problems left along the dusty road during my bus trip. thank you God for a little peace of mind. have to take my dinner now, gonna update later. ciao...

going to davao later...

2011-11-23T21:48:00.000-08:00

just resting a bit, still a little weak. watching conan on tv with guest emma stone. she really have a husky voice, sexy, husky voice emma is. i want to see her, to hear it from her. and then it'll be over. i want her to be happy, i do. just have to check my emotion at the door. there is still the pain, the ache but little by little a numbing sensation is creeping in. i guess that's what they call desensitize feelings. don't know what i'll do when i'm in front of her. i don't want her to see me emotionally vulnerable. gotta get my A game up. uh oh, it's getting cloudy again, thick, gray and covering the entire sky. temperature dropped, the air is thick with moisture so it's going to rain. have to prepare my backpack. later...

On the bed...mind still active...

2011-11-23T07:30:00.000-08:00

night entertainment can be heard around kidapawan. like for example i can still hear the song super bass by nicki minaj followed by abba's dancing queen. videoke fanatics are blasting around the city during night time. maybe that i love you text was sent by mistake. maybe it was for D. my eyes is heavy with sleep. maybe tonight i could rest longer. i wish.

making a blog while watching glee...

2011-11-23T05:57:00.000-08:00

argh...this is a take two. the first draft i typed wasn't saved automatically and it's pissing me off. i'm a bit hammered. i have been drinking redhorse for a couple of hours now. redhorse is a liqour here in the Philippines. i'm drinking so that i could sleep because of what happened. my mind is troubled. i can't think straight. i missed her. but with just one simple text from her, it's like everything is...ok. my actions betrayed my words. i said i wouldn't care but it's the opposite that is happening. i know about her and her D. she kept lying to me, it's like the pain i'm going through is not enough. how much pain is enough for her. do i have to bleed, do i have to suffer for her to be satisfied. i am not the person to change her, she would only change for the person she loves. i'm not that guy. now i know the breathe and width of her influence on me. i missed her, i would admit that. but she never was that caring to me than that of the other guy. i'm jealous but he might understand her more than i did. he loves her with a passion i think. but when she said those simple word "i love you" everything disappears. everything turns hazy. they were singing uptown girl cover by the warblers. i hate this, i hate what she did to me. please God give me strength to go on. i'm going to finish this bottle of redhorse grande. even the glee project is becoming interesting to me. ah, the power of liquor. i'm using beer googles now. hehe. hmmm don't stop believing...signature song of glee. DON'T STOP BELIEVING, HOLD ON TO THAT FEELING!!!!AHHHH...wait...i've been thinking...why would she say i love you to me? what was that for...i'm really confused...she said i'm disposable...

a day at a time...

2011-11-22T19:16:00.000-08:00

i didn't get to sleep, i kept rolling fitfully on my bed. and the air is cold. i was shaking while taking a bath, maybe because of the lack of sleep but i rather kept on bathing than having to smell like old sweat drying on clothing. feel a little weak but still ok. i went to the site and checked on the progress of the construction. feel like floating on air. had to max the volume of my ipod so that the sound will drown out the memories in my head. dark clouds are again moving on the horizon, its gonna rain again later. we have a wet weather here and a cold blast from mt. apo. have to keep my strength up, don't want to get sick. being sick is not an option i can afford for now. gotta power thru the day. went later to the bank to get money for the payroll. i guess i have to do this all by my lonesome. solo voyage again, how nostalgic. went to the pharmacy to buy vitamins, my appetite hasn't pick up yet and it seems i'm having an abnormal metabolism. i'm losing weight. i don't know, it might be because of the stress. anyway i bought propan with iron so that it will facilitate weight gain. oh, the sandman is here, my eyelids seems heavy. i'm gonna rest for a while, getting some shut eye. later. ciao bella...

losing and moving on...

2011-11-22T09:54:00.001-08:00

guess i won't be sleeping soon, my mind is in turmoil. i'm making this blog just for this occasion, i know next to nothing about blogging but i'm gonna try this as a stress buster. i heard somewhere that you have to channel this negative energy into something creative. i choose blogging so if this is not to par what with the simple background and all, for now who cares. i just want to vent my pain, my anger, my ache. i've been betrayed yet again, the last to know about certain events. boohoo, you might say. been there, done that. i'm a walking cliche', people would think this is just a common problem but to me it feels heavy. so heavy. i know she has moved on and i'm happy for her (ha ha! do i sense bitterness?). it's still painful nonetheless. i know it's gonna happen but no matter how prepared you are, how psychologically and mentally prepared, it doesn't mean squat to the actual pain. it's just a continuous gut wrenching pain. like one time i got a really bad stomach ache that i was ready to climb the walls in my room, i had to be hospitalized. that kind of pain times a thousand more. i don't know what to do. it helped a little when i started searching for songs about heartache, of losing someone, of parting with the one you love, of how to move on love songs in YouTube. some were really cheesy, it did help to lessen the pain but it's not enough. my teacher once told me i had to share this feelings because if i can't express it and try to suppress or repress it, it will come back someday in a form of an illness. i don't want it to be that extreme. i just want to grieve a little, do a self pity mode. i need someone to talk to but no one's here. i'm going loco just thinking about it. its not so simple as flushing it out and be done with. but somehow this blogging helps. if i try to sleep, a veritable wall of memories keeps parading in my head while i close my eyes. then the ache starts, caught in a vise like grip, your heart slowly dying. can't sleep, wish i could. a dreamless sleep if that's too much to ask. i feel the veins in my neck popping out just by trying so hard to rest and catch some zzz's. here are the list of songs i got so far...

set you free by side a
steep
maybe by secondhand serenade
art of letting go
how to heal a broken heart
one last cry by south border
pain in my heart
you've made me stronger
thanks to you
i'll say goodbye for the two of us
before i let you go by freestyle
i love you goodbye
parting time by rockstar
if the feeling is gone
tuyo nang damdamin by silent sanctuary
wala na tayo by kean cipriano
di lang ikaw by juris
hiling by silent sanctuary
maalaala mo sana by silent sanctuary
sandali lang by silent sanctuary

uh, many of silent sanctuary songs captures what i felt right now. it's 2:17am while still doing this blog and it's the 23rd of november, 23 being the date we met. it's just a memory now. bittersweet taste left in my mouth. maybe i'll research a little about blogging so that i could somehow change the way this look background wise. for now, i'm at that stage of what you can call a minimalist blog. no fanfare, no fireworks happening in the background. so i hope this blog will be an effective sounding board. no pressure whatsoever.